Archive for May, 2007

Choices

Laiyne May 30th, 2007

Shadow or Holy?  Help or Hinder?  Trust or distrust?  Currently my life seems to spin around me and I try to grasp at what I can.  Understanding more of what I am has not helped me feel more confident in myself or my abilities.  Do I feel a power that lies beyond me?  Yes.  Am I afraid to use that power?  Sometimes.  So much has happened since I last wrote.  Rumors have abounded and my honor was questioned.  In the end I know how my heart feels, I know the full truth.  Others can never know what lies within my heart or soul. 

When I told Mal what I was he sat in silence for what felt like the longest time.  I waited, and eventually my patience ran thin and I yelled at him for lying to me when he said he loved me.  Finally after my outburst he spoke.  He said the magic that binds my soul to another was forbidden, and that I should never speak of it to anyone else.  Finally he said he still loved me.  I was relieved.  I had set myself up to believe he wouldn’t want me anymore… that he would want someone whose soul was completely devoted to him.  I suppose my sould is completely devoted to him.  I don’t know about the other part of me… who she belongs to, if anyone.  I can feel nothing from her other than the strength she provides me.  That is all.

Recently a close friend of mine suggested that I become more comfortable with myself… to quit doubting my abilities and my choices.  Is that such an easy choice to make?  Should I let go of my reservation and trust that Elune will guide me where I should go?  Sometimes I wonder if she has guided me at all.  One thing I do know… I will no longer regret my choices.  I am on this path because it is where I want to be.  My choices are my own, my life is my own… no matter who I share it with.

What am I?

Laiyne May 26th, 2007

My thoughts, of late, have centered around my dreams and conversations I have had with Kelandros.  He seems to understand or know more of who I am then I do.  In my mind I have flashes of understanding.  The ancient magic that binds my soul with another’s is forbidden.  I am sure that my mother only acted with love in her heart.  Did she understand that this choice she made could possibly lead me to my undoing?  I hold so much fear inside.  Fear that Mabon will no longer wish to be my friend… fear that Mal will not want to marry me if he knew… fear of not knowing what happens when she takes control. 

After he spoke to me last night… and only Elune knows what fully happened… I was left with not only a torn heart of my own, but a broken heart of another.  Is it wrong of me to be angry?  Is it wrong to wish I had died when I was a child?  He can not understand… it is not a miracle… it is a curse.  Can anyone really understand?  They are all blessed with the knowledge that their soul is fully their own. 

My thoughts can not help but turn to my own love, Mal.  Could he ever really understand?  How can I explain something to him that even I have trouble grasping?  My heart has no doubts when I am with him.  I am able to forget, or at least push aside what is happening.  We spoke last night at length about getting married.  I believe we have both made our choice of what we wish to do… and now, I wish to marry him as soon as possible.  Is it so wrong for me to want to be happy… on my own?  If running away with him can do that for me, I would run to the ends of the earth with him.  I will hide it from him as I hide it from myself.  Just because I know she’s there doesn’t mean I have to accept it… and even as I write these words I know they are false.  I can not hide… even though I want to.

Healing

Laiyne May 25th, 2007

My journey to Shattrath was easier than expected.  I must admit passing the guards and huge defenders of the Scryer Tier was less than pleasant.  I drew up my courage… and headed past the guards which protected his body.  I have never seen one so broken.  His breathing was ragged, his face pale, and his head was more than a little feverish.  I exhausted my resources of holy magic in attempts to make him well enough to at least speak.  I now wish he would have simply remained silent.

He said a name to me… a I had heard, yet knew not where… a name that caused my heart to pound inside of me.  Why would he be saying the name of a person who spoke to me in my dreams?  When I met him again in Darnassas and preformed a few last healing rituals he explained to me who she was.  The images and feelings that flashed through my mind were.. I do not even wish to write it in my own ledger.  His explanation to me was far from what I wished to hear.  I only hope that it was the fever that overcame his mind that made him speak such things to me.  What he told me is impossible… It simply can not be.  My mother… if what he says is true…it was her doing.. and all for my sake?  Would she really wish such a thing upon me?

When I saw Mabon again I was able to tell her the good news.  The her love was alive and it was finally safe to see him.  I had never seen Mabon so scared… fearing so much for his life.  It was a relief to see my friend breathe easily once again.  I left out what he said to me.  I try to convince myself that it was the fever that spoke.. that the images in my mind and in my dreams are simply fantasy… nothing more.

Last night Mal finally came to see me.  I wept with happiness to have seen him again, to see him well… and also because I wished to tell him so much but feared he would not understand.  Should I tell him about my dreams… what he said to me?  If what he said was true, would Mal still love me?  Would my friends be sickened by the sight of me…. because of what I am… whatever that may be.  It is best to say nothing, to pretend that nothing happened.. it is impossible… it has to be.

Dead?

Laiyne May 24th, 2007

Ellessar.  I had formed a brief acquaintance with him several weeks before I saw him again last night.  The news was grave… Kelandros, Mabon’s intended and my friend is struggling to live.  He had fought his uncle, Illidan Stormrage.  While we were not given a full account, one can only assume that Illidan yet lives and Kelandros fights to survive.  Ellessar seemed reluctant to give the information, but I believe he only feared for his own safety, as well as the safety of myself and Mabon.  He finally disclosed the information after quite a bit of prying… One thing he did make clear… only priests are allowed to see him.  I felt fury for Mabon, and confusion in myself… was I really a healer?  Could I do any good?  I stared at my hands thinking of all the shadowy pain I use them for and wonder if I remember how to use them for healing. 

My contacts within the Sisters of Elune make it easy for me to gain admittance to a portal where he is.  I am not sure what to expect.  I carry a letter with me from Mabon, and my hopes that I will be able to help him… if only just a little.  I can not help the twinkling of fear that comes into my mind when I think of passing through this portal to Outland… the place where my own mother died, where so many fight, were loyalties are hard to win and enemies are easy to make. 

My dreams last night troubled me further… I dare not record them in my own journal.  I awoke with a resolve to do whatever I can to help, and risk my life if need be.  I will push back any fear I have and replace it with the determination of my people… with the courage of the strongest sentinels of Elune.

Not my own…

Laiyne May 23rd, 2007

A few days after the death of my mother Mal, my hunter, asked me to marry him.  We have known each other such a short period of time but I felt no reserve in saying yes.  How could I be so quick to abandon what she had taught me?  The love Mal shows me is like a breath of fresh air.  He assures me that marriage is not a way for men to control women, but rather the other way around.  (I must admit I don’t think I control him even if I wanted to)  I do not have the opportunity to spend much time with him.  He is once of the most fierce hunters in all of Azeroth and is often away fighting enemies that I can not begin to imagine.  I take pride in the fact that he is fearless and does what he must.  His determination in fighting strengthens my own resolve to continue to fight and become stronger.

My own guildmates are kind enough to let me test my new skills on them.  Navane, the drenaei being the most willing to let me beat on him.  It isn’t quite fair since he has not trained as long as I have, but still any practice helps.  Even the skillful rouges in our guild have let me test my spells on them.  I must admit their help and patience with me warms my heart.  I hope that with practice when I come against a member of the horde I will be able to defeat them with the skills I have built up with the help of my friends.  My friendship with the members of my guild grows each day.  Mabon, especially, has been a very good friend.  Her open nature and constant stream of conversation are always welcome after a long day of fighting… though I find as the night grows late I long to see Mal more than anyone else.

I must move now from the lighthearted to something a bit more serious… Since the death of my mother my dreams have become more vivid.  The places and images are so clear that I’m sure they are real… or once were real.  My mother told me that once when I was very young I became very ill.  I was to the point of death and my short life was on the verge of ending.  She never told me what she did to heal me.. but last night in a dream… I saw.  Words can not explain what took place in my dream.  I can only describe the agony of my mother’s soul… the determination of her spirit, and the will to bring to pass what she thought was best.  In a flash I went from being gone… with a soul not strong enough to support a mortal form… to a burst of light with health and strength that I never knew.  She hadn’t healed me, she had made me new.  From this moment in my dream I was taken back to a place I had never seen, but in my dream I knew distinctly what it was… Nordassil.  In my mind I saw multitudes of wisps protecting that great tree… it was in that great burst of light that I found myself leaping out of bed panting for breath.  What had she done?  What does the dream mean?  Why do I have a feeling that it’s not my own?

Who Am I?

Laiyne May 23rd, 2007

For the sake of those who do not know me, I will give a brief history of myself.  I was born Laiyne Eloreah Firesage.  My mother, a high priestess of Elune, named me after herself.  For reasons that I still do not understand, I matured faster than other kaldorei children.  Inside me is wisdom of one much older than myself.  My mother taught me to control my emotions, to let logic always triumph over heart.  While I took her teachings as my own, I hid the fact inside me was a stubborn nature that I tried to surpress.

When the dark portal was opened my mother was sent into the depths of Shadowmoon Valley.  I trained my hardest as a holy priest, hoping to quickly reunite with my mother.  Stubborness and frustration in the holy path prompted me to make a choice.  Should I struggle as a holy priest and always rely on others to help me or should I follow the shadowy path where I could destroy whatever stood in my way… alone.   The choice seemed easy enough.  I fell away from the holy teachings and began my training as a Shadow Priest.  With this choice came an ease… as if I had finally stopped fighting myself.  I trained as quickly as I could muster with all the effort, pride and strength of my people.  Then a letter came from my mother… after weeks of hearing nothing and fearing the worst.

Laiyne, I am in a place where even the strongest of us struggle to survive.  I do my best for our people but I fear that it may not be enough.  If I never glance at you again with these eyes, let me at least leave you with advice.  You must always remember to never let your heart and your rashness dictate your choices.  I made a choice once that will affect you forever because I let my heart over-rule logic and reason.  I hope what I have done will never be brought to light.  I dare not even tell you.  I hope you will never understand.  I leave this note in the service of a powerful hunter.  He will protect you now since I can not.  Light bless you.

After receiving this letter I became more determined than ever to be reunited with my mother, that I might be able to offer any help… anything at all.  Would I be too late?  My heart told me I would never see her again, but my stubborn nature refused to accept.
The hunter my mother sent to me quickly tore through my enemies with a speed, fury and determination that matched my own.  Mal, as I call him, understood my plight when others did not.

 During this time Stormwind became my new home.  I met many people while I was training.. Among these were Kelandros, Mabon and other members of a guild called Sterling.  I had been contacted by various houses and guilds to join them in their various fights… but never felt as if anyone other than Mal could help me.  Eventually the kindness of Sterling broke down my resistance and I joined their ranks.

Quickly my life became more than just fighting.  Did I lose sight of my goal?  Did I let my heart detain me from gaining in strength?  Did I disobey the one piece of advice my mother had given me?  A feeling of unease set into my soul.  I couldn’t shake it, fighting could not ease it, dreams became nightmares… Then Mal came again, with a letter.  This time it wasn’t of my mother, but of one called Askashia.  My mother was dead.  Were my choices in vain?  Why did I feel like my soul was being ripped apart?  Part of me mourned the loss of my mother and another part of me mourned the loss of those who I had never met… I had failed her, I had failed myself, I had failed everyone

It was then, in my darkest hour when Kelandros and Mabon offered advice to me… to not let anger dictate my actions… to not seek for revenge, but take hope in the knowledge that my mother could finally rest.  I have accepted this.  There is still a part of me that wishes to seek revenge on those who harmed her…. but I push it down into the depths of me… I look to my new family, Sterling for the support and love that my mother once gave me… and I hope it will be enough.