Laiyne June 22nd, 2007
Everyone had told me I was crazy to give it to him. How often do such legendary items drop? What would Mal think if he knew I had given such a gift to another man. I was determined and stubborn…but I wouldn’t be deterred. I’ll never forget the night I gave it to him and his promise to me. It seemed only right that he gained enough experience in battle in the very place where I found the shield…. Tanaris. We had fought side by side hoping that it would be enough to prove himself worthy of the shield. The smile that formed on his face has he put the shield on his arm and held his sword in the other made me feel different… in a way I can’t describe. I was so proud of him and happy that I didn’t let logic dictate what my heart wanted. My mind wandered to the night in Theramore as we sat together and looked at the moon. I didn’t think a warrior would appreciate the beauty of nature. He surprised me. One would look at him and see brute strength, determination, loyalty and unbreakable will. That night I saw the gentleness and passion the he possessed and realized that while I had grown familiar with it, others would never see this part of him. For the first time in what seemed like eternity I felt special knowing that he only shared this part of his soul with me. No one, outside the two of us, would ever understand what that shield represented. No one would know how we had both tempted fate and even risked our lives to follow our hearts.
(( dedicated to Navane “sand in his armor” ShimmeringStar ))
Laiyne June 18th, 2007
Did he betray me or did I do the betraying? Was it so wrong to have my head in one place and my heart in another? The news I received from Askashia this morning was grave. Feelings of guilt like I hadn’t known flooded me. Mal hadn’t dissapeared. He was dead. Askashia said the details were vauge, but apparently none in his guild survived. I had always felt that what they attempted was near suicidal at times, but they always seemed to find a way through. I suppose this time it was too much. I held my tears until after she left. I can barely understand why I feel so much guilt. Had I treated him unfairly when we were together? I can not even express my feelings fully in my own journal. Part of me had loved him, loved the warrior, the fierceness… but something always kept me from fully giving my heart to him. I know what that something was. And while I may be happy now…. I am afraid the guilt I feel now will tear apart this happiness I have come to depend on. I’m not sure what to do. I just want to hide in my own thoughts… perhaps if I bury myself in training I can block out these feelings.
Laiyne June 11th, 2007
I have reached the point in my training where I have obtained my shadowform. The feeling of finally reaching this point in my life is amazing. I have come to accept that this is who I am. Navane, with his warrior mind, seems to understand my feelings on battle and war better than anyone I have met. With everything that has happened, with my mother dying, with Mal disappearing… I seem to have found myself. At least, for today, I feel that I know who I am. I am not a split soul. I can choose to live my life to it’s fullest, to follow my heart, and not look back to past mistakes.
I’ve come to realize as I accept Shadowminx as part of me… my “self” becomes stronger. I am more aware that she is there. I am more aware that she is lending me her strength, but I am also more aware that much of the strength is my own. The only thing that troubled me was when I was with Kelandros I became highly aware that she is there. I don’t know if she is happy Kelandros is married, happy that he and Mabon are starting their family… happy that he has found happiness after he lost her… I can’t tell really. I do know that for a time, when I was around him I couldn’t ignore that he was there. I felt as if I was FORCED to listen intently. I know that while her own soul aches over the love she has lost she is perhaps glad he does not have to suffer as she has. But something has changed. I don’t feel that intensity around Kelandros that I once felt. I do feel that intensity… but it comes from my own heart and soul… and it’s when I’m with someone else.
Laiyne June 9th, 2007
I met Mal in the afternoon… to finally spend some time with him. Together we climbed to a waterfall in Elwynn and sat to talk. It was hard for me to focus, my mind always seemed to be in another place. When we got to the spot he mentioned that it was where he and his wife had spent time together. I had never really pressed him about his previous wife… I didn’t know much about her at all. The way he mentioned it to me made me feel uneasy. After he left I went into the keep of Stormwind and searched through the records of the Alliance. There she was.. her record still there… not dead, only in hiding. Confusion was replaced with anger. I sought him out… I asked him how it could be possible to be married to him if his wife wasn’t dead… and as cool as an Alterac breeze he said “We can’t” He went on to say he hadn’t seen her for a long time but… it was true, he was married to her… still. I talked to him breifly after that… and told him I could never see him again after this. He nodded in agreement and I walked away. I didn’t look back. It is only now… a few days later… that I heard the news. He is gone, without a trace. Maybe he did that to make it easy for me to keep my promise. I’m not very sure, all I do know is that it’s over.
Laiyne June 5th, 2007
I often wonder if the choices I make are because logically I think they are right or if I am following my heart. I am a woman of my word. If I promise someone I will do something… then I will. Even if my heart tells me to go another way, duty will always come first. I only wish to please those I love. I would walk to the ends of the world for my friends if they asked it of me. Is this foolish? To put the wants and desires of others before my own?
Mal and I eloped the evening of Mabon and Kelandros house warming party. He wasn’t in the best spirits that evening and declined to attend with me. He went off to battle with his guild, and came back to meet with me… telling me it was time. I decided my trainer was as good as anyone to marry us… so that’s who binded us together as man and wife. The time I have spent with him since has been far between. His guild requires much of him, and I respect that his duties to them come first. I worry though… that the path they are on is a dangerous one. Each day he becomes more distant to me. Is there something he isn’t telling me? I suppose only time will tell.
Will I ever really be able to trust my heart? There is so much I would write, but I fear if my ledger ever got into the wrong hands… that the price to pay would be higher than what I can afford.